I'm going to start informing ya'll about the country life. It's dangerous folks. If you've ever thought that you might want to move to the country to live a better quality of life, listen to the birds and grow corn.....well let me tell ya, I brush with death often.
Look what tried to kill me today:
It's true. I went outside for about 30 minutes to look at my flowers, listen to the birds(it ain't all pretty though folks), walk up to get the mail and to just enjoy the beautiful sun-shiney day. I come back down the drive to go back into the house. I had only one door unlocked which was by the garage door. Right where I need to go is THIS MONSTER!! Now I don't usually like to use foul language on my blog but I neeeeeed to say it like it is so you get the real deal. I literally about crapped my shorts right there on the spot, people.
This monster was all curled up with his slithery body just waiting for a good meal. You can't tell from the picture but he was about 6 feet long and 3 feet around and his fangs were so long they looked like stilts!! Seriously, I wouldn't mislead you. I screamed for what went on for 30 seconds or so and back pedalled so fast across the driveway, I looked like a fast blowing breeze.
Now what do I do? I'm being stalked by this spineless monster that wants to eat me for lunch and I cannot escape. He's blocking the only open entrance into my house. I think surely he will sliter away if I throw stuff at him. So after about twenty or a 1,000 rocks, he's not only NOT moving, he's hissing and striking at me. Niiiiiiice. Just so you know, I was about 95% sure that this wasn't a rattle snake because he didn't have the diamonds on his back, or the coloring or the rattles on his tail. But don't kid yourself people, he still wanted to kill me right then and there. I could almost swear I saw his jaws dislocate in anticipation.
So the rocks aren't working. So I'm thinking that maybe I could throw the mail at it one piece at a time and it would be on it's way. First up is the stupid birthday post card that my insurance guy sends me. His secretary signs it for him and like he really cares about my birthday anyway. So I flick it at the monster. I miss. Next up is the 100th piece of Netflix junk mail I've gotten this month. It's heavier so I'm thinking this will work. I miss but the snake gets even more hissier. I'm down to my last piece of mail......an honest to goodness, real life birthday card. I didn't want to sacrifice it but I had to. I miss. Dang. DOUBLE dang, what do I do now?
I look around the yard and find this big board that Eric has in his pickup bed. Yes! I can shield myself from the monster's deadly fangs and make my get away into the house. The entire time that I walk closer to the garage door, the snake is eyeing me and striking. Nice, I can see the headlines now. *Fat woman with ugly plaid shorts, ratty shirt, no make-up or bra and giant board.....killed by snake in her own drive way*.
Against all odds, I make a run for it. The snake strikes at me some more but I make it! I immediately snap a photo of it from the inside window and send it to Eric via cell phone. He calls me and says...*Why don't you just get the broom and shoo it away*. Um helllo? This thing would use the broom for a toothpick!!!!! I decide I needed a better photo so that I could have evidence of what about killed me. So I step out onto the deck and take a closer photo.
Just then my dad drives by in his farm buggy. I wave him down frantically and he comes down the drive. I tell him to be careful but to come look at this snake. He comes closer, hoe in hand. My dad says *Well, I think it'll be alright, it's not a rattler*. Just then the snake strikes at Dad. And then my dad chops his head off and says *We'll have none of that!* Ya right, you're scared of him too Dad!!!
I thank Dad and tell him that I'm so glad he was driving by. He said *Well I kinda had to, Eric called me.* OMG, my husband calls my dad to come rescue me!!! All is well now and I'm safe and sound inside!!
So see, I feel compelled to tell you about country life. It's not all about fresh veggies and hay rack rides.